Father, Son, and Grandfather are starring on a very special reality show.
When we last left the Combs family, they were getting used to wearing pretty clothes, referring to each other as she and her, and contemplating how to shop and bake and gossip like the genuine article. Now let's see how well Ash, Ethan, and Jon are doing - and how they'll feel about noticed...
Scene 4:Arianna's Awakening
Without a doubt, going through this with my family kept me sane – well as sane as a college boy who looks, talks, and dresses like a hot babe can be. To be sure, the production team, being TV people (little fun there) they wanted the flash and glitz and the “shock n’ awe.” The clothes they gave me especially were all these tight little numbers - showing off curves that I shouldn’t have. How the heck did I get breasts so big? And where did that bubble butt come from? I’m pretty! How did a guy like me end up such a pretty girl?
The production assistants also kept all thereof us constantly in makeup, working on our hair and face and skin. It was painful the first time I went through electrolysis, but they assured me that it would grow back when they were done. After a while, I think any body hair decided to go into hibernation.
A little trick they employed was this spray which muted any deep bass in your voice. It tasted foul, so afterwards they gave us this spring water that tasted like honey. Soon GG, Mom and I were drinking it nonstop. It was especially good before bed, as I was getting used to sleeping in a nightgown. Mister Happy was hyperactive from all of that silk but after a drink of the spring water I just relaxed and slept soundly every night. It was dream sleep too. Oh my God – I had some very unusual dreams
My fairy princess experience in front of the camera was balanced by our family activities off camera. In the home we were living in during the series, the smells of baked good permeated the air. I loved spending hours in the kitchen with “the honey Combs” as we called ourselves. GG remembered every trick in the kitchen that dear Doris taught her, and now like any good mother, she taught her babies how to make a meal.
“Like a good wife,” she said once, which made Mom and I giggle and snort.
Our other favorite activity was shopping, and Beverly Hills was our playground. The producers had given us a stipend for clothing and salons and we pretty much maxed it out. My GG, the former chicken farmer, was the most stylish “silver fox” out there, and my mother, the self professed “ladies man” was simply the sexiest lady on Rodeo Drive. So there we were, three generations of farm boys, in strappy heels, Capris, and cute tops, with gorgeous hair and chattering about everything over lattes.
Every time we went out – guys checked us out. There were plenty of buff young dudes who not only leered at me, they were digging the “MILFs” that accompanied me. At least the older guys were a little more discreet, but we all agreed - its half unnerving, half exciting! One day, a tall guy randomly put a business card in my hand as we ate lunch, before leaving to jump in his BMW.
“Read it, Ari,” Mom asked. You are exquisite. I’d love to have coffee with you alone, if your SISTERS don’t mind. We roared at that one. It had his phone number, email, and his card said he was a casting agent.
“I wonder if he knows that we’re contracted to Prism,” GG said. “So, what are you going to do, honey?”
I honestly couldn’t answer that question – yet…
Scene 5:Ellen's Epiphany
Ari really was conflicted about the offer she received. She said she’d sleep on it, and Mom and I stayed up to work on some snicker doodles. And a very unique discussion about our youngest.
“Elly, do you think she should say yes,” Mom asked me as she mixed the ingredients.
“God, I don’t know. He was pretty cute.” I said, realizing I just admitted a thoroughly completely foreign to me before this adventure. Mom said nothing as she continued to mix.
“I’ve noticed something – at night, I wake up...”
She cocked her eye, “Morning wood in your panties, dear?” she said.
My jaw dropped as she put the bowl down. My God, her beauty and curves seemed so authentic. She sure didn’t look like a 60 year old man or woman!
“It’s not just you, Elly. Remember how I said that the hormones in the chickens might be affecting all of us. Even with you on the road, you spent your early years in the pens, and so did Ash. God knows, I think it’s given me a lot of mixed signals. We’re kind of a mish mash of male and female feelings.”
I poured us both some spring water as we munched on a cookie. Mom blushed as she admitted, “I find myself – wanting to look into a mirror more often than not. I look at myself, fiddle with my hair, and think to myself, am I pretty enough? I’m not a vain person, Ellen, but…”
“Mother – I’m right there with you. I find myself looking at everything differently. Hair – makeup – boobs,” I giggled.
“According to Marshall, the clothes are meant for women and they are slowly confirming our loose skin. You and Ari are both starting to see that now.”
“Yes, and I think the chicken hormones are adding to that. My darling – be honest – if a man asked you on a date – would you say yes? Would you be interested in a handsome man?’
“I – maybe. What about you – Dad?”
She frowned at being called Dad. “I think – the man would have to be particularly – attractive. And daughter dear, please continue to call me Mother or Mom.”
She walked back to the oven, her hips swaying. Was that from the heels she wore, or perhaps the chemical imbalance?
I looked at the mirror in the hallway. Wow, I was a beautiful looking woman. The right man. I closed my eyes and thought of myself in a pretty dress on the arm of a handsome man. His face – Marshall? He did have big blue eyes and a rugged smile. I – wonder if he would find me attractive…
Scene 5:Jeanette's Confession
Arianna finished her glass of spring water, then picked up her purse and gave me a hug and kiss.
“Be careful, sweetie. Remember, you’re still new at this,” I advised.
“I know GG. I’m a good girl. And I expect you to be one when you and Mom go out on your double date. Maybe next time it can be a triple date. Love you!” she chirped as she ran out to greet Garrett.
I sighed as I finished my water. I thought of how Ari had obsessed over whether to accept the young man’s offer of coffee. Finally she texted him back yes, and then spent four hours getting ready.
Yes, you certainly are emulating a woman in that way, my dear granddaughter. How many times did she look in the mirror, amazed by her own beauty?
“Do I look hot enough – Mom, GG?” she kept asking.
Speaking of Elly, we noticed that she and our vaunted producer seemed to be flirting on set. Like mother like daughter I guess. Then out of the blue, I hear that she was going to accompany him to a Hollywood cocktail party. Hey, another excuse to shop, this time for a pretty little cocktail dress and matching shoes?
All three of us happily jumped in the SUV and headed to our now favorite chic boutiques. “Oh that’s effin hot, Mom,” Ari cooed as Elly showed off her choice.
“Shows off your figure, honey,” I said as we all looked at her choice in the mirror.
For a moment, we all seemed to have this dreamy faraway look in our eyes.
“Imagine this, ladies,” my daughter whispered, “the three of us, all in matching dresses, with heels, jewelry, and our hair done fabulously. Who could resist us?” she taunted.
“Fuck, I’m hard as a rock just thinking about that, Mom,” Ari admitted with a throaty purr.
I gulped; I knew we were all that highly aroused.
“Now ladies,” I cautioned, “let’s remain ladies here. When we get back home, you can release your energy appropriately.”
It was now very apparent that we were affected by the hormones and the situation of our apparent femininity.
“Have you both seen the next episode script?” Elly whispered. “According to Marshall, we have to each visit a local sex shop and – purchase a sex toy – specifically, a BOB.”
“A battery operated boyfriend? Oh my God, that’s just going too far,” a clearly flustered Ari whined.
“Are we shooting this before or after our double date?” I asked, “Let’s get back to you selecting a dress, then we can focus on one for me. Tell me, is Marshall’s uncle anything like him, Elly?” I said.
We finished, had a light dinner, then went to bed early, and I had the wildest dream yet…