Sunday, July 5, 2009

Annie's Caps: The Hunting Party

Nobody would ever accuse Tom Caldwell, 62, of not being a real man. The ex-Marine had worked 25 years with the State Police before retiring to the north country. One weekend Tom’s son Gary (35, now a sergeant with the troopers) and grandson Mike (10, wannabe future airline pilot) visited the old man to go hunting for geese.

Wandering off the designated hunting grounds, the boys suddenly found themselves in some foul smelling mud, and while trying to beat a hasty retreat, all three passed out next to a decayed oak tree. That’s where the EPA crews found them. A local logging company had released some runoff into the valley, causing a chain reaction with the marsh waters.

Tom awoke in a hospital to three shocks: his long lost blonde hair, now longer than ever, in his eyes. The other two shocks were on his chest – woman’s breasts.

Several doctors, an EPA official, and lawyers representing the logger carefully explained to Tom that the three of them were in comas for about 2 weeks while the chemicals had begun to transmute the testosterone in their bodies to organic estrogen and their bodies had begun to show classic female characteristics.

They had an offer for the family. In exchange for silence (to avoid outrage in the community and loss of jobs from the massive fines), the company would work with the FBI Witness Protection group to give the Caldwells new identities. Tom asked that to talk with Gary and Mike.

The now suddenly beautiful Gary held an angelic looking child in his arms as his parent spoke.

“No matter what,” Tom stated, “we need to be all for this, and we all need to stay together to take care of each other.” Unanimously, all three agreed.

TODAY – Trudie Landry (Tom’s mother’s maiden name) has given up hunting for gardening, and based on her experience, she refuses to use any chemical treatments on her azaleas. Her beautiful home down South is matched and exceeded by the three stunning blondes living inside.

Granddaughter Marissa still wants to fly but is also interested in fashion. Daughter Gayle is still in law enforcement, only now working in the forensic lab with the local sheriff - now able to devote many more hours to her daughter and her new social life. In fact, tonight Gayle is taking her mom out on a double date.

An amused Trudie said (with a wink) , “Well, we always enjoyed hunting… I just never thought we’d go out hunting for husbands!”

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